Delhi, India

Ever heard of the shit on shoe scam? Google it. It’s an Indian institution and I’ve been reading about it for years. Basically, someone squirts shit on your shoe from somewhere you can’t see. Then a helpful shoe shiner points out the mess to you and of course will clean it up for a fee. Yesterday a shoe shiner approached me and offered to clean my shoes. I looked down and sure enough there was a huge blob of what looked like horse shit mixed with curry. I screamed “FUCK YOU!” then pointed down at my shoes and screamed again “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT???!!!” Then I gave him the middle finger and yelled “FUCK YOU” again and stormed off to find a place to clean my shoes. I started trying to rub my shoe against the grass to clean it and then scraping it against some concrete, but the damage was severe. Another weirdo came up to me and pointed out to me some sprinklers that I could clean my shoes off in. I started walking away from him. He followed me and said “it’s ok, I’m not salesman.” I turned around, told him I don’t trust him and to get away from me. I walked a little further and again started to try to scrape the shit off on the curb, but I realized I would actually need to have my shoes cleaned. I became kind of desperate for a legitimate shoe shiner, when one approached. I’m sure he was in cahoots with whoever put me in this situation in the first place. As I was standing he knelt down and almost started to get to work when I pushed his hand out of the way and said “wait, how much do you want?” “It’s ok, sir.” “NO! First you tell me how much you want.” “Whatever you like.” “OK, then you’re getting thirty rupees.” He tried again to start his work, but I pushed his hand out of the way again, looked him straight in the eye and said “30 RUPEES, OK???” “OK, but here not allowed. Come over here.” He led me over the grass where he insisted I sit down. I knelt on one knee. Then he insisted I take my shoe off. I resisted, asking why he couldn’t just clean it the way it was. He started undoing my shoelaces for me, so I angrily took my shoe off and handed it to him to clean. In the meantime, some old guy who apparently was his friend had come over and started asking me stupid questions like where I was from, and trying to show me some stupid notebook he had with some weird English handwriting in it. It appeared to be the diary of a female backpacker that he had stolen. I kept ignoring him and remained focused on the crooked asshole that was cleaning my shoe. They both insisted relentlessly that I sit down, but I kept on one knee, hopped up on adrenaline like never before, ready to chase after this cocksucker if he tried to run off with my shoe. “SIT DOWN SIR!” “I’m comfortable” I said defiantly. I took out my wallet and got the 30 rupees ready to give him when he was finished, so I could just bolt without any discussion over the price. Seeing this he said “this toilet cleaning, this 535.” “WHAT???” “You pay me 535 rupees.” “NO! We agreed 30 rupees.” Another Indian man had joined the crowd to back him up and said “Indian price 150.” I jumped up and screamed with pure, genuine hatred “NO! YOU’RE ONLY GETTING 30 RUPEES.” I think I actually may have scared them a little. I gave him the thirty rupees, grabbed my shoe and walked away. Once at a safe distance I put my shoe back on. If I had access to my passport, at this point I would have just gone to the airport and hopped on the first flight out of India. But no, Kazakhstan needs two whole days to put a sticker in my passport. Before all of this happened, I witnessed something else crazy. I heard a lot of commotion and saw people running. There was a big angry mob chasing a guy who was running for his life. I assumed that he was a thief (well that’s a given, they’re all thiefs) who had tried to steal something. Then again I guess it all could have been staged for whatever reason. Eventually he tripped (hard, I might add) and the mob surrounded him, ruthlessly kicking the shit out of him. Then they pulled him up, and two guys restrained him as they led him away. They weren’t cops or anything, just vigilantes. They started to lead him across the street. While they were doing this various members of the mob came up and each took a punch at him. Once they got him to the other side of the street they just kept him there and several people who were in the area also approached to punch him. I enjoyed seeing this. Call me a sadistic fuck, but you can rest assured that 3 out of 4 Indians deserve to get the shit beaten out of them like this.